


everything i wanted

by Ice_Queen784



Series: Devil in Me [1]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Based on a Billie Eilish Song, Character Death In Dream, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Jemma Simmons Needs a Hug, Jemma Simmons deserves better, Season/Series 04, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-27
Updated: 2020-07-27
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:53:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25540882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ice_Queen784/pseuds/Ice_Queen784
Summary: I had a dreamI got everything I wantedBut when I wake up, I seeYou with me
Relationships: Leo Fitz/Jemma Simmons (past), Will Daniels/Jemma Simmons
Series: Devil in Me [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1850731
Kudos: 11





	everything i wanted

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning: mentions of suicide/suicide attempt in a dream
> 
> Based on everything i wanted by Billie Eilish

_ I had a dream  _

_ I got everything I wanted  _

Jemma walked down the hallway to Director Mace’s office, feeling the same inescapable loneliness she felt whenever she was at the Playground now. She should be happy to be here, surrounded by her team. Her friends. But she never did anymore. She just felt isolated and miserable here.

The new director was in his office talking to Coulson when she walked in. Coulson wasn’t here a lot anymore, but he and Mack had returned to refuel the Zephyr before going back out to search for Daisy.

“Sir?” She called as she entered. 

“Agent Simmons, what can I do for you?” Mace asked.

“I would like to request to officially move out of the base.” Jemma explained. 

“I can’t force you to live here if you don’t want to.” He replied. “You’re not planning on leaving S.H.I.E.L.D., are you?”

“No, and I would still live close enough to get here everyday.” She told him. “I just don’t want to live at work anymore.”

“I guess that’s understandable.” 

“You’re moving in with that astronaut, aren’t you?” Coulson butted in.

“His name is Will, and yes, I am.” She retorted. “I spend more nights at his place now than I do here, so we figured we might as well make it official.”

Most of the team seemed to act like Will stole Jemma away from Fitz or something, and she was sick of it. She cared about Fitz deeply, but only as a friend. She had fallen in love with Will, and when they got him back from Maveth, she knew she would never want to leave him again. She'd tried to give Fitz a chance, but Will was the one she loved. But her friends evidently didn’t respect her decision. 

“Are you sure you want to live away from the team?” He questioned. “If there was some kind of emergency-,”

“Then Director Mace will let me know and I’ll be down here right away.” She cut him off. “You may not agree with this decision, and if you were still the director you could stop me. But you stepped down and I now rank higher than you, so if the new director is okay with this, there’s nothing you can do about it.”

Jemma turned around and walked out of the office. The dream she’d had the night before returned to her. She was trying to keep her mind off it, but it was hard when she kept having the same dream night after night. It was starting to feel real. She was starting to feel like it would actually happen. And it was always worse when she was here.

_ Not what you’d think _

_ And if I’m bein’ honest _

_ It might’ve been a nightmare _

_ To anyone who might care  _

When Jemma finished up her work for the day, she went to her bunk to pack the rest of her stuff in boxes. Hopefully, she’d spent her last night here for a very long time. 

She’d thought this would feel like a bittersweet moment. She’d lived with the team since they were on the Bus. She’d thought she would be sad to move out. But she wasn’t sad at all. It wasn’t bittersweet. It was just sweet. 

She left the bunk with a smile on her face. No one stopped her until she got to the hangar door. 

“So step one in abandoning us for good is complete?” Fitz questioned.

She turned around to face him, her smile fading.

“I’ve already told you, Fitz. I’m not going to leave the team.”

“You already are.”

“I’m just moving off the base.” She explained for the millionth time. “I’m not leaving S.H.I.E.L.D., and I have no intentions to do so.”

“You say that now.” He replied. “But your new boyfriend will drag you away eventually.”

“You’re just jealous.”

“I thought you loved me, Jemma. I thought you were mine.”

“I don’t belong to anyone.” She retorted.

She walked out before Fitz could say anything else. 

She hadn’t told him about her dreams. Her nightmares. She hadn’t told anyone. She didn’t think anyone would care. Not if she told someone about them. Not even if the dreams came true. 

_ Thought I could fly _

_ So I stepped off the Golden _

_ Nobody cried _

_ Nobody even noticed  _

That night, Jemma had the same dream again. She was standing on the edge of the Golden Gate Bridge. She wasn’t sure why she was in San Francisco. Perhaps she was on a mission there. But regardless, her dream always took place there.

Her team was all there, standing behind her. But she wasn’t interacting with any of them. None of them were even paying attention to her. They hardly ever did. It wasn’t lost on her that everyone but Fitz gave up on finding her when she was on Maveth. If she got swallowed by the monolith now, even he probably wouldn’t look for her.

She looked over the edge. It was a long way down. If she jumped, the odds of someone rescuing her were slim. She wondered if her friends would even try. 

She was terrified to jump. Her experiences of jumping when she had the alien virus and then being thrown out of the Bus had her afraid of heights. But she knew that if she jumped now, all of her fears and problems would go away. So she jumped from the bridge anyway. 

Once she hit the water, it was like her mind left her body. As her body sunk to the bottom, she looked up at the team, standing on the bridge. None of them tried to save her. None of them were crying. None of them even looked sad. She wasn’t sure anyone had noticed she was gone. Or maybe they did, and they just didn’t care.

_ I saw them standing right there _

_ Kinda thought they might care  _

Jemma had lost count of the number of times she’d had this dream. The outcome was the same every time. She didn’t know why she suddenly expected it to be different. She didn’t know why she suddenly thought they’d care. But it still hurt that they didn’t.

That was easily the scariest part of the dream. It wasn’t the fall after jumping from the bridge. It wasn’t drowning in the bay. It was the reaction of her friends, or lack thereof. 

They had all been through so much together. She thought that they were more than a team. She thought they were a family. A dysfunctional family, but a family nonetheless. She was no one’s favorite member of said family, but she still thought they might care if she killed herself.

But her dreams said otherwise. And she knew they were right. They only cared about her when they wanted something from her. When they didn’t want or need anything, she didn’t matter to them. And it hurt like hell.

_ I had a dream _

_ I got everything I wanted _

_ But when I wake up, I see _

_ You with me  _

Jemma woke up in tears, like she always did when she had this dream. But this time, she wasn’t alone. 

“What’s wrong, sweetheart?” Will asked, wiping the tears from her face. “Did you have the dream again?”

She nodded and he wrapped his arms around her.

“It’s just a dream.” He told her. “It’s gonna be okay.”

“No.” She cried. “It’s not just a dream. It’s true. They wouldn’t care if I killed myself. No one would.”

“I would. It breaks my heart to see you in pain like this. But that would absolutely destroy me. You are my hope. And I want to be yours.”

“You are.” Jemma assured him. 

“I love you.” Will kissed her softly.

“I love you too.” 

_ And you say, “As long as I’m here, no one can hurt you _

_ Don’t wanna lie here, but you can learn to _

_ If I could change the way you see yourself _

_ You wouldn’t wonder why you hear _

_ ‘They don’t deserve you’” _

“I’m sorry your friends make you feel like they wouldn’t care if something happened to you.” Will told Jemma. “But as long as I’m here, I won’t let anyone hurt you.”

“You can’t always be there to protect me.” She pointed out. “And I don’t need you to. They wouldn’t let anyone hurt me.”

“I don’t think you’d be having these dreams if that was true.” 

“They need me.” She insisted. “I’m the best scientist S.H.I.E.L.D. has. And I’m Director Mace’s right hand.”

Will sighed.

“They don’t deserve you.” 

“What do you mean?”

“They don’t appreciate you for who you really are.” He explained. “You deserve to be around people who see you as more than just a brain.”

“Are you saying I should leave S.H.I.E.L.D.?” She questioned.

“No. I know you wouldn’t want that.” He replied. “And I would never ask you to do something that would make you unhappy. I just wish they realized what an incredible woman they have.”

Jemma sighed and laid her head on his chest. Until recently, she hadn’t thought she mattered. She thought if she died, no one would care. And she didn’t even think that mattered. She didn’t think it mattered that her team was willing to put her life at risk. To leave her stranded on an alien planet. To use her like a tool for their own purposes and drop her when they were done. 

But Will was starting to change that. To change how she saw herself. To make her see that she needed to look after her own needs. To make her see that someone did care about her. To make her see that she mattered. 

_ I tried to scream _

_ But my head was underwater _

_ They called me weak _

_ Like I’m not just somebody’s daughter  _

Jemma sat in the rec room that afternoon, drinking a beer alone, watching some of the new agents play Call of Duty. She didn’t know them very well, but that was for the best. Being around her friends just made her think about her dreams.

When she looked at them, she heard their voices in her mind, repeating the things they’d said after she jumped. One time, the nightmare had continued long enough for them to realize what had happened to her, and their reactions haunted her whenever she was with them.

They called her weak. They said she should’ve been able to deal with the things she’d been through like everyone else had. They said her death was a waste of her mind and talents. They spoke about her like she hadn’t even been a person. Like she had been a broken tool or a failed experiment. And now that’s what being around her old team made her feel like.

Jemma had tried so many times to scream for help from those around her. But they were always too focused on their own problems to notice. It was like her cries were muffled by the sea in real life, like they were in her dream.

She took another drink of her beer and tried to push her thoughts away. She was just here waiting for a meeting with Director Mace. Then she would be on her way home. Back to where she felt safe, loved, and valued. 

_ Coulda been a nightmare _

_ But it felt like they were right there  _

When Jemma went up to Director Mace’s office, she hoped to avoid seeing any of her old teammates along the way. But of course Fitz was in his office when she got up there, giving the director an update on Holden Radcliffe and whatever stupidity the two Scottish scientists were getting up to together. 

“Surprised to see you made it in today.” Fitz remarked rudely as she walked in. 

“You shouldn’t be.” She snapped back. “And you wouldn’t be if you weren’t so blinded by jealousy.”

“You think I’m jealous?”

“Yes, and you’re delusional if you don’t realize it.” She didn’t have time for this. “Now if you’re done in here, Director Mace and I have some important things to discuss.”

He rolled his eyes and walked out, practically bristling with annoyance. She thought the director would comment on the conversation he’d just witnessed, but he didn’t, which was just as well. She didn’t want to talk about it anyway. She preferred to keep her mind off Fitz’s bullshit. She felt a knife in her heart when she remembered his reaction in her dream. 

“One less problem I have to deal with.” He’d said with a shrug. 

She had told herself that he wouldn’t really feel that way if she died. That it was just a nightmare. That he would care if she died. But it was a nightmare she couldn’t wake up from. And it was starting to feel like he didn’t care about her at all. 

_ And it feels like yesterday was a year ago _

_ But I don’t wanna let anybody know _

_ ‘Cause everybody wants something from me now _

_ And I don’t wanna let ‘em down _

The next day, Jemma sat in the lab, staring blankly at some paperwork. She was so tired, upset, and stressed out that all she wanted to do was go home and cry. But she still had the whole day ahead of her. And every day felt like it was a year long. 

She couldn’t just shut down right now. She had worked hard to climb the ranks of S.H.I.E.L.D., and she had new responsibilities now. Everyone needed something from her. And she couldn’t let them down. 

So she kept it all bottled in. They didn’t want to hear about her problems. And honestly, she didn’t want to tell them. It wasn’t like they cared. They never had. And they never would. They just wanted her to do a job.

_ I had a dream  _

_ I got everything I wanted  _

_ But when I wake up, I see _

_ You with me  _

When Jemma got home, Will was waiting for her in the living room. She sat down on the couch beside him and leaned her head on his shoulder. 

“Hey, sweetheart.” He greeted her. “How was your day?”

“Not great.” She replied. “But it’s better now.”

If being at work was like a living nightmare, coming home to Will was like waking up. Relief flooded over her. She was back where she was safe and loved. Where she belonged.

It was kind of a sad thought. To think she didn’t belong at S.H.I.E.L.D. anymore. She loved her job. She was passionate about it. It was somewhere she could truly put her knowledge and skills to good use. 

But it was more than that. Her S.H.I.E.L.D. team was like a family to her. But when she chose Will over Fitz, they turned their backs on her. After she returned from Maveth, she tried to give Fitz a chance like everyone wanted her to. But it wasn’t long after they brought Will back that she realized she was in love with him, not Fitz. And they didn’t seem to respect her feelings on the matter. In their eyes, Will hadn’t just taken her from Fitz. He was tearing their family apart.

“I’m making dinner for you.” Will told her, interrupting her thoughts. 

“Really? That’s so sweet.”

“You deserve it.” He planted a soft kiss in her hair. 

“I love you.” She told him.

“I love you too.”

_ And you say, “As long as I’m here, no one can hurt you  _

_ Don’t wanna lie here, but you can learn to _

_ If I could change the way that you see yourself  _

_ You wouldn’t wonder why you hear _

_ ‘They don’t deserve you’” _

  
“This is a hell of a lot better than the first time you cooked for me.” Jemma remarked as they ate.

Will smiled.

“Anything is better than pond plant monster, so that’s setting the bar pretty low.” He joked.

“You know, I don’t think I ever truly appreciated how good Earth food is until I was trapped for months on a planet with hardly anything that was even edible, let alone tasted good.”

“There was nothing I missed more than real food.” He agreed. “No one else understands the new appreciation I have for it.”

“No one else understands what we went through. We literally lived in hell.”

“And we survived.” He raised his glass of wine. “So here’s to us, and surviving.”

“To surviving.” She toasted. “I never could’ve without you.”

“I think you could’ve.” Will told her. “You’re far stronger than you give yourself credit for. Than anyone gives you credit for. I wish you could see how incredible you really are.”

She started to tear up. He got up from his chair, and she assumed he was going to take their plates to the sink. But instead, he got down on one knee in front of her.

“Jemma, I love you more than words can describe.” He told her, taking her hand. “You’re amazing, and smart, and beautiful, and you give me hope everyday. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me. I never want to have to live without you.”

“I don’t want to live without you, either.” She replied, almost unable to believe what was happening. 

“Then marry me.” He pulled a ring from his pocket. 

“Yes.” She agreed. “Yes, I’ll marry you.”

Will slipped the ring on her finger and kissed her sweetly. She gave him a teary-eyed smile when he pulled away. She felt like she was living in a dream. A very good one. One too good to be true. She didn’t deserve this. But it was happening. She was going to marry him.

_ If I knew it all then, would I do it again? _

_ Would I do it again? _

_ If they knew what they said would go straight to my head _

_ What would they say instead? _

The next morning, Jemma walked into the base with a smile. She couldn’t stop thinking about the rock on her left hand. And she couldn’t wait to show it off. She went to the rec room first, to grab a soda and maybe a snack. May was the only other person in there.

“Morning, May.” She greeted her as she made her way to the fridge. 

“Morning.” May replied with a smile. “That’s quite the ring. Did Will propose?”

“He did.” Jemma told her excitedly. “Last night. It was pretty romantic.”

“Congratulations. You’ve been through a lot. You deserve to be happy.”

“I don’t feel like I deserve it.”

“You do.” She insisted. “And I can’t wait for the wedding.” 

“Wedding?” Fitz asked, walking in the rec room. “What wedding?”

“Will proposed to me last night.” Jemma explained with a smile, resisting the urge to flash her ring in his face. 

“Well, congratulations.” He replied bitterly. “You’re going to marry Mr. Perfect.”

“I’m going to marry Will, whether you like it or not.” She retorted.

Jemma walked out of the room. She wasn’t going to let Fitz’s jealousy ruin her good mood. She wasn’t going to let anyone here ruin her good mood.

She was excited. She was finally getting the chance to have a normal life, or at least a sliver of one. She had a safe haven away from the stresses of the Playground.

She often found herself wondering if she still would’ve joined S.H.I.E.L.D. if she knew back then what she would go through. If she knew that she would catch an alien virus, get thrown out of an airplane, get sucked through a monolith to another planet, and then get tortured by Hydra for information about it. 

But if she had never joined S.H.I.E.L.D., if she had never gone to Maveth, she never would’ve met Will. The man she loved more than anything. And the only one who loved her.

_ If I knew it all then, would I do it again? _

_ Would I do it again? _

_ If they knew what they said would go straight to my head _

_ What would they say instead? _

Jemma went up to Mace’s office for a meeting, where he had congratulated her on her engagement. So at least two people were happy for her. Unfortunately, there were two more people still on the base who might not be so happy for her. Mace hadn’t sent Coulson and Mack back out to look for Daisy yet, which meant they were still at the Playground. And that also meant Fitz had probably already told them.

The two of them were in the lab when she went in, and as she expected, they were talking to Fitz. All three of them looked up at her judgmentally when she walked in the room. 

“So, I heard Will proposed.” Coulson said.

“He did.” 

“Let’s see the ring.” He told her.

She walked over to them and showed them her hand.

“That’s a pretty nice rock.” Mack remarked. “Where’d he get the money for it? He doesn’t have a job, does he?”

“Actually, he’s had a job for a couple of months now.” She shot back. “Something you’d know if you actually talked to me and not just Fitz.”

“Are you sure marrying Will is the best idea?” Coulson questioned.

She rolled her eyes.

“I know you don’t like him, and you don’t have to.” She retorted. “It’s not like you’re going to walk me down the aisle.”

“Jemma, I’m just saying I think you two might be moving a little fast.” He defended. “Don’t be rude.”

“Don’t pretend like you care about me when you’re really just mad I didn’t end up with Fitz.” 

“I do care about you.” He argued. “Has he been putting the idea in your head that we don’t?”

“You’re the ones who made me think you don’t care!” Jemma shouted. “You’re the ones who use me and manipulate me.” 

“That’s not true. I think I speak for all of us when I say we just want what’s best for you.”

“You don’t know what’s best for me!” She started to cry. “You don’t know me at all!”

She ran out of the lab and shut herself in a supply closet, where she sank to the floor and sobbed. Why didn’t they get it? Why weren’t they happy for her? Why couldn’t they accept that she loved Will and not Fitz? Why didn’t they care about her?

Coulson had seemed surprised when she said she didn’t think they cared about her. She wondered why. It wasn’t like he or anyone else here showed that they did, with their actions or their words.

She wondered if they realized how deeply she internalized everything they said to her. How every word ingrained itself in her brain, and stayed in her head forever. If they did, they might act differently around her. They might say something different to her. 

Her thoughts were interrupted by a knock on the door. 

“Simmons?” It was Coulson. “Are you in there?”

“Leave me alone.” Jemma replied.

“Can I please come in?” 

She sighed and stood up, unlocking the door.

“What do you want?” She asked.

“I just wanted to tell you I’m sorry.” He told her. “I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like I don’t care about you. Because I do. You’re a valued member of this team, and I don’t ever want you to think for a second that you’re not. And I’m sorry for questioning your relationship with Will. It came from a genuine place of concern, but I had no right to question your decision. I know you love him. And I have no doubt that he loves you. And I’m happy for you.”

“Fitz isn’t.”

“He’ll come around.”

Jemma gave him a skeptical look, but didn’t say anything else.

“I should get back to the lab.” She told him.

He nodded and let her go back to work. 

She wanted to believe what he’d told her. She wanted to believe that he meant it. But she wasn’t sure she could. All she could do was wait until she could go home to Will. To the one she knew cared about her. Who loved her. And who she loved more than anything. 

**Author's Note:**

> This is part of a series of darker themed songfics that I'm working on. Most will be one shots, but some of them will have multiple chapters. Most of them will center around May or Jemma.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this. I'll have the next work in the series up soon, hopefully later this week. Thanks for reading! :)


End file.
